Jon Stewart Skewers the American Food System for Pushing 'Cool Ranch Carcinogens'

The 'Daily Show' host explains why wrapping an entire pizza in bacon might not be an ethical decision.
Mar 18, 2015·
Josh Scherer has written for Epicurious, Thrillist, and Los Angeles magazine. He is constantly covered in corn chip crumbs.

When Jon Stewart retires from The Daily Show at the end of the season, who will America rely on to so hilariously, so poignantly, so accurately make fun of restaurants for bacon-wrapping menu items?

In his latest food-fueled rant, he takes a slew of chains to task for creating wildly unhealthy menu items while still trying to forward the PR-friendly, "making-food-slightly-less-bad-for-you" craze.

Stewart uses McDonald's as the prime example of the restaurant industry's new doublethink-style marketing. Earlier this year, McD's released a commercial as part of its "Go Beefetarian" marketing campaign, which featured pornographic close-ups of a Big Mac. The narrator proudly states, "This will never be kale." A few weeks after that commercial aired, restaurant analysts hinted that the leafy green might indeed be coming to McDonald's soon—though restaurant spokespeople have not yet commented on the possibility.

The Daily Show host also addressed the government’s role in exacerbating America’s obesity crisis and failing to properly regulate additives. “Big Agra and the food lobby have turned our food supply into an addictive, fattening death menu of artificial chemicals, antibiotics, and cool ranch carcinogens,” Stewart said.

Deciding if he can’t beat the big restaurant chains, he might as well join them, Stewart throws out winning business idea: Olivebucks, the world’s first coffee shop–Italian American mega-chain hybrid. Stewart’s fictional chimera of cholesterol would feature a 3,000-calorie “Venti rosemary mocha alfredo.”

The only question is: Whipped cream, or no whipped cream?