Few insults cut a middle school boy like “You’re gay.” Rattled, humiliated and hurt, there’s usually only one thing left for him to say:

“You’re gay.”

Skipping over the normal concerns—why the dig is so disparaging, for example—let’s turn our attention to Michael Schwartz, the chief of staff for Sen. Tom Coburn (R-Okla.) who is using boys’ insecurity about their sexuality to stop them from thumbing through a Playboy.

Schwartz joined Pat Fagan, senior fellow at the Family Research Council, and Heritage Foundation scholar Matthew Spalding at the Values Voters Summit on Saturday to discuss “The New Masculinity.”

The trio prattled on about how “feminism has wreaked havoc on marriage, women children and men,” when Schwartz wrapped up the panel with a pearl of wisdom about how using homosexuality as a consequence will dissuade children from looking at pornography.

It is my observation that boys at that age have less tolerance for homosexuality than just about any other class of people. They speak badly about homosexuality. And that’s because they don’t want to be that way. They don’t want to fall into it. And that’s a good instinct. After all, homosexuality, we know, studies have been done by the National Institute of Health to try to prove that it’s genetic and all those studies have proved it’s not genetic. Homosexuality is inflicted on people.

So, young Bobby steals a nudie mag from his friend’s dad—his own pop won’t touch the smut—and returns home to enjoy his spoils. But, surprise! Rather than relieving his morning erection the women turn him gay.

And the feminist is the perpetrator?

If you think the fable is a bunch of gas you’re in good company—not everyone has traded Aesop for Schwartz and Fagan, the author of articles like “Virgins Make the Best Valentines.” But if you’re an impressionable boy grappling with your religion, manhood and wet dreams, I imagine your stomach is doing a flip.

As empirical evidence, Schwartz relayed this “insightful remark” from “a very good friend” who is also, conveniently, a reformed homosexual.

“All pornography is homosexual pornography because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards.”

The correlation seems a bit skewed.

While online porn consumption is more or less consistent across the country, residents of 27 states that passed laws banning gay marriage can also pride themselves on having 11 percent more porn subscribers than states that don’t explicitly restrict the union.

From New Scientist:

“When it comes to adult entertainment, it seems people are more the same than different,” says Benjamin Edelman at Harvard Business School.

However, there are some trends to be seen in the data. Those states that do consume the most porn tend to be more conservative and religious than states with lower levels of consumption, the study finds.

“Some of the people who are most outraged turn out to be consumers of the very things they claimed to be outraged by,” Edelman says.

“One natural hypothesis is something like repression: if you’re told you can’t have this, then you want it more,” he says.

It seems the Family Research Council is defending more than faith, family and freedom. It’s defending its reputation, and pimply teens are going to bear the brunt of their parent’s self-loathing.

Maybe that’s why some Americans are still wondering whether masturbation makes you blind.

“Cesarin,” a Yahoo! member posted the question three years ago. Another member, “calcdffirefighter,” posted this in response:

The act of masturbating cannot make you blind. Complications while trying to do it in odd ways may… i.e. jerking off with bleach is not a good idea, and could lead to blindness if it gets into the eyes. But under normal masturbation circumstances you will be fine.

Maybe Cesarin is being facetious, or calcdffirefighter works in a laundromat, but the myth persists. Will Schwartz strike the fear in them, too?

Read The New Masculinity panel transcript here.