Personal tributes to Michael Jackson are popping up all over the place and it is hard to not want to do one of my own.  So here it is, rambley and full of unorganized and bursting love for the passing pop star (and probably some typos).

I, like many people, was heartbroken to learn of the passing of Michael Jackson yesterday.   For me (and similar to Erik Henderson in Slate) I think the sadness comes from not only having to say goodbye to MJ, but also from having to say goodbye to my childhood in a sense.  I grew up in the suburbs of Cleveland and when I graduated high school I went off to Chicago on my own.  After five years in Chicago I left my friends and school behind to came to New York City, a place where I literally knew one person.

Four years later I have a life full of wonderful friends and activities but I also have very few connections to the first 23 years of my life. I don’t keep in touch with anyone that I went to high school with and the parts of me that thrived in my youth aren’t really part of who I am in NYC (I used to be a jock, champion debater and adamant tomboy whereas now I am a filmmaker and blogger who wears dresses and loves salad, shoes and foreign films).   But of all the things that have somehow managed to stay a part of my life from childhood until today the most prevalent and consistent is without a doubt Michael Jackson. 

My earliest childhood memories are of listening to the “Thriller” cassette (which came out the same year I was born) with my next door neighbors.  We listened to it all the time - while we danced, while we didn’t dance and while we played barbies and made them dance.  Ever since then Michael Jackson has been a part of my life that I’ve never had or wanted to leave behind and sometimes, thanks to the media, not been able to.

With his death I can’t help but to think that a door is closing on many of my past lives.  And while this is sad it’s probably a good thing in many ways.  But before the door shuts completely I want to share 10 of my favorite personal MJ moments.  Most of them are strange and probably reveal too much about myself but somehow they’ve all helped me become the person I am today and for that I am thankful.   Like Michael himself said,

“Life aint so bad at all - If you live it off the wall”

1) Playing “Thriller” in my next door neighbor’s backyard.

My most favorite childhood memory is of my friends and I playing our “Thriller” role playing game on my next door neighbor’s deck.  For hours on end myself and 5-8 of my neighborhood pals would get together, plug in the boom box and assume our various roles in the game. Each time we played someone would lie on one of the deck benches and we would cover them in leaves and pine needles.  Then 2-3 people  would hide behind chairs on the deck.  Whoever remained would wait at the deck entrance while yet another person would hit play on the boom box.  As the door would creak open in the song the folks at the entrance would slowly walk onto the deck and wander around while the people behind the chairs would occasionally jump out and scare them.   When the Vincent Price portion of the song came up the person covered in leaves would rise and lip sync to that part of the song. I always wanted to be the Vincent Price character, it was the best.

Like I said, we did this for hours and quite often. It never got old.

2) Quoting Michael Jackson at a Model UN meet

When I got stuck being Germany at a rather boring day of Model UN where we were  talking about aid or some such thing I did something that showcased both my love for Michael Jackson and my flip high school attitude.  After an afternoon of listening to people blab on in big words about helping the world I finally decided to say something.  And this is what I said, in a completely serious voice:

“Heal The World

Make It A Better Place

For You And For Me

And The Entire Human Race

There Are People Dying

If You Care Enough

For The Living

Make A Better Place

For You And For Me”

3) High school prom, going stag and dancing to “Thriller”

If you couldn’t already tell, I was not the coolest cat in high school (by typical high school standards).  So when Senior Prom came around my option was to either go with a big group of my girl friends or to not go at all.  I chose the former and had an amazing time.  We ordered pizza and ate it in our ridiculous clearance rack dresses before driving ourselves to the big dance.  The best part of the dance was when the DJ played my request of “Thriller” and dedicated it to me and all my friends.  We went crazy on the dance floor and in that moment all my teenage angst and concern about fitting in was washed away.

4) My obsession with mimicking his performance in “You Are Not Alone”

I’m not quite sure how or why this happened but when the scandalous video came out for “You Are Not Alone” (it’s the one that featured a semi-naked Michael and Lisa-Marie Presley) I became kind of obsessed with mimicking Michael’s moves.  I recorded the video on tape off of MTV and when nobody was home I would put it on and have at it.  The song still kind of makes me emotional, even though it isn’t one of better songs.

5) Trying to learn the dance to Michael Jackson’s “Beat It” in a hip-hop dance class and failing terribly

In college I worked at my school’s gym, which meant I could take classes for a discount.   The first one I decided to take was a hip-hop dance class.  I love to dance and thought a few new moves couldn’t hurt.   One of the first dances we were taught was the dance to “Beat It” and despite my superior knowledge of the song it turned out I wasn’t very good at the dance.  That doesn’t mean I didn’t have fun trying though.  Unfortunately I missed my final performance to see a sneak preview screening of David Fincher’s Panic Room.  I’m still kind of mad at myself for that.

6) Dancing to all of my “Dangerous” cassette in my garage, often while on rollerblades

When “MJ’s Dangerous” album came out in 1991 I bought it immediately and spent much of my free time in my parent’s garage creating elaborate rollerblade performance pieces for the songs.  Particularly strong was the choreography for “Jam,” “Why You Wanna Trip on Me” and “Black or White.“

7)  The Free Willy song he made with The Cleveland Orchestra

I kind of loved Free Willy as a kid and I really loved that the song “Will You Be There”, which is in the movie, featured the Cleveland Orchestra. I like to imagine he could have had any orchestra in the world and that he specifically picked Cleveland! Can I get a WHA WHA hometown pride.

8 ) This moment in Queensbridge

When I first moved to NYC I spent 2+ years working in Queensbridge. It was an intense place that had many problems but also had a crazy wonderful energy that I haven’t found anywhere else.  And like the video above shows it was a neighborhood where people open their car doors so everyone can listen to “Man in the Mirror” - maybe my most fav MJ song.

9) His Superbowl performance

Ridiculous, awesome, something to have seen! Something to remember.

______

10) What I learned from his life…

Putting Michael’s music aside for a minute, it would be negligent to not talk about how the rest of his life influenced me.   When I was eleven (in 1993) and one of my childhood icons went on trial for sexual abuse I was forced to grow up rather quickly and in many ways.  Suddenly I had to consider a world where someone I loved did bad things or a world where people lied to try and take advantage of a person I loved.  I had to consider a world where money and greed might make people do horrible things like say they were abused by someone when they weren’t.

I suddenly understood that the world we lived in was not one where the law was always right and that the media could be cruel and ruthless in their desire to invade people’s privacy.  These were invaluable lessons that have shaped my worldview and made me who I am today.

The other way in which his life has informed my own is through watching his decline throughout the years.  I’ll keep this simple and only say that his story is a sad one that speaks to the horror of trying to grow up when one never had a childhood, the loneliness that comes from massive celebrity and the inner torment of true talent.   It is heartbreaking. But like my friend Ryland wrote:

“Thanks, Michael, for the joy you left behind. Sorry you had it so rough otherwise. I guess they’re right: gaiety is not happiness, nor is joy a measure of simple smiles.”

I will miss you Michael.  Thanks for the memories.