Ah, Valentine’s Day. The day where you get to revel in the joy of love and companionship. The day everyone ought to be literally overflowing with happiness (”literally” in the Joe Biden sense; that is to say, not at all literally). But there’s one man who doesn’t share in these sentiments, and, in fact, really has a bone to pick with all you Swinging Lovers out there that celebrate the day.

That man is St. Valentine.

In an opinion piece in The Onion titled “I Wish I’d Spent Valentine’s Day Eating A Prix Fixe Dinner, But I Was Too Busy Getting Beheaded,” St. Valentine expresses his displeasure with the way in which we now mark the occasion of his grisly death.

My, my, just looking at all those delicious appetizers and delicately seasoned entrées is enough to make me wish I had never been convicted of marrying Christian couples in the early days of the Roman empire, beaten with clubs, stoned, and fed a pan seared sea bass with stuffed artichoke hearts. Oh, wait. That last part wasn’t me! That’s just how you’ve chosen to commemorate my painful, unnecessary death. Please, everyone, have another round on me.

It seems he has some bitterness issues. Of course, I might, too, if my execution became the excuse to go to that Italian place that’s just slightly out our price range, but won’t it be a wonderful night? Oh. Sorry. This is St. Valentine’s chance to complain, not mine. Take it away!

And what’s all this I hear about Valentine’s Day getting too commercial? Oh, so just now it’s becoming a little superficial for you? I wish you could have seen the second Valentine’s Day in A.D. 271, the year after I died. There weren’t a whole lot of chocolates or overpriced cruise packages to be found back then. Mostly just my mother crying.

So, this Valentine’s Day, as you whisper sweet nothings to the one you love, say something romantic like, “Isn’t it wonderful that in America, we aren’t executed for practicing our faith?” Trust me…that’s ultra sexy.

If this piece just takes you off your delicious meal entirely, takepart and find a charity to which you can donate that money.