On January 20, 2009, these United States shall witness truly a historic day.

But it’s not about what the mainstream media have led you to believe.

The first black President?

Yawn.

The first post-Baby Boom Commander In Chief?

Whoop-dee-s%^t.

The first President who looks decent with his shirt off?

Not even. How quickly we forget: Teddy Roosevelt was a TOTAL piece of ass:

Like I said. PIECE. OF. ASS!

(Now you know why they called him “Teddy Bare.” Rrrrowrrrrr)

No, on January 20, 2009, the Presidential Inauguration will demonstrate in the starkest terms possible just how the Obama Administration will destroy America.

So if you thought we’d already hit rock bottom, think again. (Speaking of which, President Bush: don’t let those West Wing portico doors smack your ass on the way out. Nor should you let the forged-in-Satan’s-very-fires-of-Hades wrought iron gates of your undisclosed location bump your tuchus, Mr. Cheney.)

It’s time to wake up and smell the arugula, people. “Change” and “hope” are merely code words for what’s really going down starting on 1/20/09: SOCIALISM!

How so?

Let's call this her 3 AM face.

Look, a ticket to the Inauguration ceremony is much like the Golden Ticket of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory fame: every wants one (well, almost everyone), supplies are extraordinarily limited, and you may end up sitting next to Veruca Salt…

or Augustus Gloop…

There's a Herman Melville joke in here somewhere.

If the laws of supply and demand were allowed to run their natural course (you know, those same laws of supply and demand that put a man on the moon) and the government SOLD the inauguration tickets on the free market (you know, that same free market that defeated Hitler), then the price tag for Obama’s multi-trillion dollar recovery and public investment packages might get covered. You think Bill Gates and Oprah and the Sultan of Brunei wouldn’t pony up for a good seat on the Capitol steps (i.e, next to the nacho bar; the Sultan do love him some nachos)? Well, if your nightstand reading is Das Kapital, then maybe you wouldn’t.

But real Americans know: the government giving out stuff is like the Road Runner, with certain ruin following right behind like Wile E. Coyote. Yet that’s precisely what Comrade Obama and his South Side politburo are doing. They’re just giving the tickets away. Like free ACME Jet Powered Roller Skates. Or government cheese. Or $700 billion bailout packages that the banking industry is using to purchase other banks.

And to show just how through-the-looking-glass we are, those free tickets are being distributed by your Senators and Representatives. Well paint me red and call me “Ivan.” Last time I checked, the majority of those members of Congress had just signed off on the aforementioned $700 billion tab. With YOUR money. You’d think that they’d want to recoup a little bit of that scratch. Do they think those funds are just going to magically come back? Well, if they hired this guy, they might:

Bernie. Why aren't you returning my calls?

Say what you will about Bernie, he knew how to make money. Kinda. Sorta.

But then again, what else should we have expected from an Administration whose leader will be inaugurated as “Barack Hussein Obama.” Once he places his hand on the Bible (or “The Anarchist’s Cookbook” – we’ll never know, now, will we?), why doesn’t he simply refer to himself as “Barack ‘Allow-Me-To-Embolden-Our-Enemies-Who-We-Still-Haven’t-Found-Somewhere-on-the-Afghan/Pakistani’ border-and-no-I-don’t-care-how-much-you-liked-Slumdog-Millionaire-those-people-want-to-kill-us!’ Hussein Obama.”

Or from an Administration that schedules the inauguration in January? In Washington, DC? Hasn’t the lesson of William Henry Harrison’s month-long presidency taught you anything, Mr. President-Elect? You’d think maybe one of the egghead Best-and-Brightest-types on Team Obama would’ve suggested running this show like the Super Bowl. Have the inauguration on a warm-weather field. Throw in performances by the Marine Corps Band and Shania Twain and ZZ Top at halftime. Honestly, why not let the nice folks in Tempe have a shot at this great national day? Oh wait, I forgot – Tempe’s in a state that didn’t vote for you. Nice to see you bringing America together, Mr. President-Elect. Nice.

And so begins the Socialist States of America, Obama-style.

See ya in the government cheese line.