I’m not surprised that a person without children would have alot to say about it. Not that I don’t understand because before I had a child I said the same things. Alot of things that I’ve seen didn’t make sense. That didn’t change until I had my second child. Even though I won’t say he is the worst but I have witnessed some manipulation from all of my children. Not unlike other parents I have shared in the hopeless feelings of having a teen to disrupt the peace within my home. At one point the safe haven law of Nebraska sounded really good. So I can honestly relate to what each of those parents could have been experiencing. We as a nation should realize that their is an issue and it begins with people that don’t have kids giving some input. Maybe they have in their life experienced something during their childhood that made them feel that they should instagate how children are being disciplined or raised, which brings about why some parents are at their wits ends. I for one can tell you as being a kid before and even in my early adulthood felt it was unfair for my mom to discipline me. Now that I am older I know that even as a young mother she did very well. I have never been in jail or in any trouble with the law. Parents are now so afraid to discipline their children due to child protective authorities being involved. We all have seen the movies of how things went the wrong way and good people were failed as well as children by misjudgements. The system that is set in place to protect children need to be looked over again. They need to be clear on what is abuse and a attempt by parents to safe their children from going down the wrong path. I hope that one day more programs would be avaliable for the assistance of parents with troubled children (not just teens). Birth control is not the answer because I know of cases were the parents seemed very well established and started out as very good parents. Things changed when the children got older and personalities clashed. We all know how easy it is to see things get out of control. I want us to reflect on some of the issues that plague our communities; teen pregancy and other issues( sexual transmitted disease among the our younger generation), children on drugs, miseducation and dropouts, children committing crimes before age 18, poverty due to things mentioned previously and not to mention the other family issues. These parents are crying out for help. Please allow me to say for those who are christians, the bible quotes, “spare the rod or spoil the child”. It wasn’t spared on me and I am a productive citizen.

We are attempting to bring awareness to this situation by looking at the reality some parents experience every day through their eyes. This issue is one of a violent child and what help exists for the parents of these children.

Let’s begin with the reality…

Who would you call for help if your 9 year old child becomes so out-of-control with violent outbursts that it leads him/her to going after their parent(s) with a knife?

The Police?
Crisis Hot Lines?
Mental Health?
Child Protective Services?
Doctors?
Therapists?
Support Groups?

Try to imagine living this way daily, 24/7, give or take the severity of the violence from the minor. Try to imagine getting no help with the exception of 911 coming to defuse the situations.

Try to imagine being scared of your own minor child (not teen) at times and there is NO WHERE TO TURN FOR HELP!

Try to imagine praying for the day you wake with your child and it will be a loving, enjoyable and peaceful time with them and to not feel it is your fault when it is not.

Try spending thousands of dollars and going everywhere you can to find a cure, support, the newest medication, therapy, clinic, diet, only to realize your child is getting older, bigger and the violence is getting worst.

Try to imagine knowing if you try to escape, you can go to jail for “child abandonment” when you always want to be there for you child, however you can’t control them and need to be safe.

Try and imagine feeling more like a prisoner then a parent with your child, because no one can handle your child not even school, so you home school.

Try to imagine, if you protect yourself and your child says it was abuse, you are investigated and could faced with charges, legal fees etc…

Try to imagine crying out for help from every authority letting them know, you and your family are in fear of your life while being in the presence of your child’s violent outbursts and you receive answers as these:

Police: Why am I doing your (the parents’) job?
Police: We can’t hand cuff and take into custody a 9 year old child.
Crisis Hot Line: I understand you (the parent) feel your life is threatened by your child. We will send out a person to defuse the situation and place you on our mailing list and help you get involved in our support group.
Therapist: Call 911 and have the police come. Take your child to an ER to have him/her mentally evaluated. (Do you think this hasn’t been done already by the parents?)
Child Protective Services: What did you (the parents) do to create this situation?

Parents, families and caregivers are in need of “Domestic Rights for Parents”: To ensure parents’ safety and to provide support and assistance to them against violence from their child as they care for their behaviorally challenged and often undiagnosed disabled children and minors that act out in extremely violent ways.

All of these children are in their own unique way wonderful, amazing, gifted, talented and loving, and in their own way screaming for help. However, if their parents and professionals can’t help these kids, what makes us in society, neighbors, doctors, police, CPS and so on… think these children can help and cure themselves to become a positive role in our society without interventions, laws, safe havens/houses for the child and parent, and a system that helps? There are usually two or more victims in these households. 1. The child and 2. The parent that needs to stay with the child 24/7. 3. Most often the rest of the siblings and other parent (if there is one). Why does it take (after numerous call to 911) such unbelievable crimes to happen before people and the media are shocked when such things are done by a child (ages between 9 and up, some younger). They do such things as: Harm or kill their parents, burn down houses, picks up object to hurt such as knives or bottles, steals, vandalism (destroys property). Or even places themselves in danger: Takes off and parents don’t know where they go, places themselves in extremely dangerous situation due to the fact the child is unable to think of what the outcome or consequences would be. The media does not know or mention how many crisis calls to 911 and professionals have been made prior to the catastrophe and NO ONE would do anything to help other then what was already mentioned above.

Bottom line choices currently for many parents with behavioral challenged children are as follows:

Possibly get hurt by the child or at worst case be killed,
Possibly be involved in the legal system trying to prove self protection or defending lies of child abuse accusations. The law sides with the minor and in most cases it should, but not in all.
Possibly be involved in the legal system for child abandonment. The news is full of parents dropping off their child in certain states, why?
Possibly the child ends up hurt or worst case killed.
Possibly others getting hurt or worst case killed by the child.

After trying to get help for years… then it becomes too late, and guess what? The PARENTS or the CHILD (innocent victims) then gets BLAMED because the system is broken and not set up for these children, parents and families. So the child ends up in the penal system age 14 on or mental institution. Parents are paying legal fees or someone is hurts or even worse is killed. No matter what the way things are set up, there is no positive outcome for all including society.

I have a 12 year old handsome, loving son with special needs who is my heart walking outside of my body…meaning when he is happy, laughing, excited and loved…so am I. When he is hurting, suffering, crying for help…so am I My son can build a 5’ robot in two days and put anything techno/electronic together and fix them, but he cannot tell you his right hand from his left. He is brilliant, however, could not tell you his address. He is prone to violence towards me and everything that is shared in this letter is true from my personal experience. As a loving parent, my heart aches as I don’t desire people to only see the negative in my son, I don’t want others to take my problems, but I know and love my son so much that I also know when I can’t give my son all he needs. It’s neither his fault nor mine. It’s no ones fault, however it is who he is and he is my loved son. So we are tied together (and I chose to be) until he is 18 years of age, this means, whatever my son does happens to me regardless as well. I know all to well, there are no options for most of these children and parents like my son and me. As a parent I had normal dreams of watching my son going to the prom, school, driving his first car etc…I know my son will live a different life and my life everyday would hope we have a good peaceful day without violence, threats and out busts.

Professionals are “mandated reporters” for children as it should be. However, what about “mandated reporters for violently mentally and physically abused parents? My son and I lived in isolation becoming prisoners in our home. Afraid to tell friends and family for fear they already think bad of your child and don’t want be around him or us. There doesn’t seem to be any point in calling the police or crisis “hot line”, schools, and so on.

I am asking for all government, state, county, city, neighbors, communities and professionals to come together and create a safe haven for these families. Unlike Domestic Violence, Equal Rights, Women’s Rights which mainly consisted of adults choosing… these are CHILDREN begging for help the only way they know how with their parents begging also. If adults and professionals can’t help these children, how can the children help and cure themselves! Who and when will society listen?

Either way society pays whether the children end up doomed in the penal justice system, hurting, killing themselves or others, burning houses. Maybe, just maybe, we can set up a triage system for these types of domestic violence from behaviorally challenged minors where the child and their parents can receive safe refuge and help without judgments, still allowing the parents to be active in their child’s life with the system providing the life, coping, and social skills they need so they can be an asset to society. The situation is not going away; in fact, it is growing. No one is to blame, however, a solution must be found. These kids not only need their parents and family, they also need the entire village to help raise them.

Some things that would help:

1) To not be left in the same violent situation day in and day out with only defusing as the fix.
2) To educate the public and other parents about Parent domestic abuse.
3) To have a Safe House or Crisis Resolution Center where the kids and families can go to live temporarily and be triaged like ER’s to know how to get which level of assistance they need, depending on life crisis issues.
4) Each case is different with unique needs which need to be addressed and provided for while the child is a minor, to hopefully integrate the child into society as an attribute and not into the penal or mental health systems.
5) Establish a “Parents Rights” law to protect them from false allegations when children commit violence in the household. We need a compassionate system in place to address the sensitive needs and issues of not only the behaviorally challenged child, but the abused parent(s), caregivers and family members.
6) Education of domestic abuse from behaviorally challenged and/or disabled children should be made available so that those affected know what to do and where to go.
7) It should not matter if the families can provide the services, therefore funding should be made available. Otherwise, society will pay a greater amount later.
Systems of where and how these children and parents/families/caregivers will be triaged and keeping the families together whether it is full or part time until full functioning for the child and family can be accomplished for all to be part of society.

I know my son and I are not alone and Parents of Domestic Violence is real. Steps need to be taken to protect, intervene, and fill in gaps in the child’s life skills (whatever those may be) which prevent them from being able to have a productive life in society and to heal personally. If this has fallen in your hands and you are interested in knowing more, please bookmark, link to and watch this site for updates coming very soon. We are trying to build a community here for support because, as the old saying goes…”It takes a village to raise a child”

Thank you,

Please visit http://www.ParentsofDomesticViolence.org and tell us your Parent Abuse story and how things are going for you.

I totally agree with Shari on this subject. I have been dealing with the mental health system in nebraska for over 5 years now. It is very hard to find someone or even a mental health provider who will listen to the parents and will give suggestions on how to deal with the mental issues of the child. I have found many issues with this system. I was not one of the parents who used the old safe haven law in nebraska but i can certainly agree with the parents who have used it. Where else are you to turn when your 9 year old comes after you with a steak knife or chases your brothers around with that same knife threatening to kill them. where are you to turn when your 8 year old threatens to rip your sisters head off and laugh while she bleeds to death? what do you do when the police laugh at you and tell you its just because you’re a bad parent. what do you do when there is nowhere to turn and the mental hospitals will not admit your child for the help they really need?