While riding the subway yesterday I watch four young teenagers “play fight.” They were obnoxious, disruptive, and used lots of racial profanity. At one point one of the boys, who seemed to be the ring leader of his crew (he was cute, thin, tall, and the loudest) had the boy who seemed to be the least popular (he was short, chubby, and did alot of whining) in a headlock. The ring leader was laughing. The unpopular boy was screaming. And nobody did a thing. Sure, plenty of folks turned to stare. A few older men even laughed reminiscing their own youthful “play fights.” No one tried to help the little chubby boy yelling “no for real, get off me!” No one, not even me.

How could anyone help? They aren’t going to listen to a stranger. Or would they? Besides I didn’t know what to say because they did a good job masking the bullying as a good, “boys will be boys” fun. After every round of wrestling they’d all laugh and high-five, including the unpopular boy. But I could tell he was sad. He was clearly the brunt of the joke. I got off the train feeling angry, sad, and disappointed. Angry that this is how boys are allowed to behave. Sad that this poor kid has to deal with such mean friends. And disappointed that I couldn’t stop it.

I also used to feel bad for the bully. I assumed bullies came from troubled pasts and that they hurt others because deep down in their troubled souls they are hurting as well. But it turns out, bullies get a kick out of seeing pain.

The Journal of Biological Psychology recently published a study in which they used fMRI scans to compare brain activity in eight unusually aggressive 16- to 18-year-old males to those of eight normal adolescent males as they watched videos of people getting hurt. The results showed both groups had activity in the brain’s pain centers, but the brains of aggressive males, those with conduct disorder, also showed activity in the brain’s pleasure centers, indicating that they may have been enjoying what they were seeing. Normal males showed no such activity.

“It just dumbfounded us,” said Dr. Benjamin Lahey, co-author of the study and professor of epidemiology and psychiatry at the University of Chicago.”The reason we were surprised is the prevailing view is these kids are cold and unemotional in their aggression.”-Reuters

Lahey said he expected an emotionally indifferent response to pain from subjects with conduct disorder, a mental disorder characterized by aggressive, destructive or harmful behavior towards other people and animals and can include theft, substance abuse and sexual promiscuity, according to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.

Soooo what does this mean? That the cute, thin, tall, loud popular boy has a disorder which forces him to be a total jerk or he is just a sick and twisted a-hole? I have no idea. I just know I still feel bad for all those boys on that train. Bullying behavior is often an expected and an acceptable trait in boys. How do we as a society soften male aggression when it’s been taught to us for years and years?

I really love the book Real Boys by Dr. William Pollack. I read it in college for a Sociology class and it was one of the only college books I kept and I plan to read it over and over again if I ever have a son of my own. Real Boys challenges conventional expectations about manhood and masculinity that encourage parents to treat boys as little men, raising them through a toughening process that drives their true emotions underground.

Whether you’re a parent or just curious and concerned about how boys are raised, I highly recommend you takepart and read Real Boys. Also takepart and check out http://stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/index.asp for tips on how help prevent bullying.