The Onion, America’s Finest News Source, has broken the news that the Department of Sanitation is unveiling an all new recycling program. The department, states the venerable (fake) news outlet, is asking the “Public To Separate Perfectly Good Stuff From Garbage.” A bold step, indeed. From The Onion’s article:

“For far too long, Americans have been throwing out working lamps, expensive coasters, and those nice wooden shelves along with their regular trash,” Sanitation Secretary Frank DiPietro told reporters at a press conference. “This wasteful practice not only threatens our environment, but it also forces certain individuals who, say, need a new ottoman, to rummage through piles and piles of dirty garbage.”

“Just look at this coffee table, for instance,” added DiPietro. “It’s not even all that cracked.”

The initiative is based on the idea that citizens are not being environmentally conscious when they throw away “totally salvageable frying pans, rechargeable batteries, and speakers that still sort of work if you blast them high enough.” Instead of wasting landfill space, these items can be sorted in the new special bins for the department to look through. The results will most likely be an ecological windfall.

An internal study conducted by the department suggests that the new program may reduce landfills by 25 percent, decrease greenhouse gas emissions by 43 percent, and lessen the chances of having to go out and buy an overpriced mattress by nearly 60 percent.

But in all seriousness, takepart here and learn how why and what you can recycle, as well as a recycling location near you.