Pushing the limits of just what sort of junk you can put into the hands of a supermodel and still have it appear sexy, Hot Pockets has released a new extended commercial/rap video/hallucinatory vision featuring none other than Sports Illustrated swimsuit bombshell Kate Upton. Oh, and Larry King as well—just to keep things from getting, you know, too weird.
It’s a ride to remember, almost literally, since the new promo video hauls out the old “fall asleep while watching something on TV and then have a trippy dream about it” trope. Upton and an only marginally less sexy “friend” stumble home after a girls’ night out and look to satisfy their raving case of the munchies. Note to guys: supermodels do not, in fact, pop Hot Pockets in the microwave at 2 a.m. any more than they enjoy soaking themselves in beer and having an impromptu wet t-shirt contest.
Upton slinks off to bed, Hot Pocket in hand, and flips on the TV. Surprise! Larry King is on, with guests Snoop Dogg and Project X star Oliver Cooper engaged in a staged debate about which is better: Hot Pockets’ flaky, “fresh” crust, or those “premium” cuts of meat. Upton glances lovingly/seductively/ravishingly at her own Hot Pocket, devours it, then falls back into bed, where the real fun begins.
Instead of almost immediately being jolted awake by five-alarm heartburn, Upton finds herself in a Hot Pockets spaceship with Snoop Dogg. It’s all so heapingly bizarre that it takes some time to start to understand what the central conceit of the video is. Apparently, Snoop Dogg is the “baker" at the Sky High Bakery, where, incidentally, the chicken eggs loom like a pair of gargantuan boobs—there are lots of double entendres related to the verb “bake” and wholesome ingredients are arranged in sophomoric tableaux—and he raps about the virtues of Hot Pockets “hot buttery crust,” while Cooper, who reappears as the “butcher,” extols Hot Pocket's delicious meats.
We, as the audience, are supposed to line up behind either #TeamCrust or #TeamMeat. But trying to figure out where we’re supposed to end up here can feel like stumbling around the psych ward in a pharmacological haze, especially when Upton suddenly appears behind a fire-engine red piano tickling the ivories and singing with the scratchy voice of a Biz Markie knockoff.
With plenty of cartoonish images of farms and fresh produce and happy cows (what’d you say? That doesn’t make sense? Well, yeah … I already told you, this is Kate Upton eating Hot Pockets), the video is clearly aligned with the company's recent ballsy attempt at marketing itself, incredibly, as "fresh" to make itself more palatable to the same demographic that grew up zapping the things after school but are older now and noshing on artisanal cured meats.
Which leads you to wonder whether Hot Pockets, through its no doubt copious marketing research, is tapping into a previously undiscovered market: Hormonal, sexually frustrated twentysomething stoner guys who can’t wait to get up early on Saturday morning and head to the farmers' market.