Bad news, everyone: The planet is running out of energy and there is nothing we can do. Oil and coal are destroying the planet and we're almost out of them—tar sands are even worse, solar is too expensive and inefficient, and nuclear—well, we've seen what happens when that goes wrong.
I have two items of professional advice as a trusted television host: one, hoard all the batteries you can find and live underground in a bunker with me, where we'll wait out the end of days in a new society of fear and free-love—or two, wait for a rich person to fix the problem.
While my lovely wife is digging the trench for the fallout shelter in our backyard...
-- love you baby --
the world's richest mosquito fan Bill Gates is hard at work trying to create clean energy by burning garbage.
Well, not quite like that.
Whoa, that sounds great! It solves the energy crisis, climate change, and helps control nuclear weapons? Way to go, Bill Gates! That almost makes up for Windows 7. So what's the hitch?
Building a prototype reactor isn't cheap—and luckily, Bill has already raised tens of millions of dollars. But unluckily, it's nowhere near the 5 billion dollars it would cost to make. Or as Bill Gates calls it: "walking around money."
Since it's so expensive, Bill hopes to find a country that would be able to build the demo plant for them, with China being the most likely and cost effective. You know, kind of like what his rival Steve Jobs did with Apple products.
But there's an obvious solution to getting the rest of the money. Bill Gates needs to start an Etsy page. Even though people pay for garbage on Kickstarter all the time.
Look at this! Bill's "Reclaimed Artisanal Energy" Etsy page is a foolproof solution.
I mean, check out this handmade recycled plutonium night light that can burn for almost 100 years, not plugged into the wall. And the best part? Nothing makes your kids feel safer during the night than having artisanal glowing plutonium right by their bed.
Are there any drawbacks to this future energy? Is there any chance America would invest in this? And seriously, how cool is Bill Gates?