Hell Hath No Fury Like a Vegan Scorned
So you’re eating kale and avoiding gluten and buying $12 bottles of cold-pressed juice and it has all positively changed your life. But maybe it’s time to pause and reflect? Because the next step on your diet odyssey is probably veganism. Are you thinking about going vegan? You probably are. Everyone is going vegan! Veganism is the new
vegetarianism black, after all.
But with stricter diets come stricter dogma, and if you so much as slip and eat that slice of pizza—pizza that’s covered in melted cheese made from milk stolen from cows living in bondage in order to provide society with an endless supply of unnecessary dairy products (I mean, have you even tried raw cashew cheese? Who needs the salted curds born of subjugated cattle?)—the true, dedicated hardcore vegans WILL CALL YOU OUT.
They—an ominous, anonymous group of vegans that appear to be aligned with the Animal Liberation Frontline—have a new website for the naming and shaming: Exvegans.com. Because going vegan isn’t a trend, OK? It’s a lifestyle, a diet you should only devote yourself to if you can do it forever. That means no honey, no bacon. Not ever.
Who is on Exvegans.com’s Vegan Sellout List? Familiar, famous (ex)vegans, like Drew Barrymore. And then there’s Matt. Matt used to be in the “militant straight-edge vegan hardcore band Qui,” and was reportedly a vegan for 18 years. Then he sold out, started eating meat, and joined the military. And now we all know. The full description of Matt’s life in veganism—and fall from grace—is 335 words long. Here’s the culminating passage:
Matt’s still strong veganism and desire to return to being a political vegan band and Paul’s new identity as a “spirit hunter” as well as David’s continual meat-harassing of Matt caused the band to dissolve. Following a tumultuous tour in 2008 Matt, in what his friends believed to be a desperate choice, joined the National Guard and did two tours of duty in Afghanistan from 2009-2013. He doesn’t talk about his time serving the country but he returned a carnivore, declared his love for Paul “Paul The Guy” Christensen (the two married in late 2013), and Qui reformed with no recognition of their militant vegan past.
How did Matt and Drew get outed as former vegans? Well, the website is crowd-sourced, so you can add all of those weak-willed, meat-craving friends of yours who just couldn’t hack it as vegan 4 lyfe. The intention, of course, is to inflame. The contact page is called “Send Hate Mail,” after all. (Currently the homepage of Exvegans.com is redirecting to a wiki-hosted video page that attempts to shame you into going vegan. Links to individual pages, like Drew and Matt’s, still work, however.)
In its wonderfully overwrought manifesto (it’s titled “Our Mission,” but the language is straight out of a 1970s militant leftist communiqué), the folks behind The Vegan Sellout List decry the “trend on the upswing” of “selling out veganism,” which is “bringing with it swarms of haughty, nose-turning carnists uttering nonsensical buzzwords re: veganism being privileged,” or “trendy, critiquing themselves into ethical degeneracy and paleo-terrorism.” Guidelines for naming and shaming are provided—“focus on FACTS, not opinions or rumors”—and there’s a broken link to Meat.org called “Meet Your Meat,” which we assume is supposed to take readers to a video depicting animal cruelty and other horrors of the meat industry.
“If that fails to stir your conscience, we ask that you go here and follow the directions closely,” the manifesto concludes. If you click “go here,” you’re taken to an exhaustive wiki detailing different ways to commit suicide.