The Zombie Voter Apocalypse—A Crisis of Minuscule Proportions?

Brace yourselves. The soulless undead will attack polling stations in November. Are you ready?

Hordes like these could be headed for the polls, if you believe what some say about the November election. (Photo: Michael R. Perry via Flickr)

Sharpen your machete and prepare to hack the brains away from the godforsaken horde that will greet you at the polls in November. If what some are saying is true, unholy waves of rotting, walking corpses will be at municipal buildings around the country to cast their (let’s face it, probably Democratic) votes for the next prez—and you’ll have to cut your way through to drop a ballot.

By zombies of course, we’re talking about people who are dead but still appear on registered voter rolls around the U.S., a demographic that some fear will be doing a lot of voting this fall.

In response, a raft of new laws have been designed to make sure that when someone shows up to vote, that person is, in fact, not one of the risen dead. Further than verifying a voter’s natural heartbeat, these new statutes, crafted primarily by Republicans, will require citizens to present an approved photo ID before being allowed to cast a ballot.

MORE: Why Tuesday Is an Awful Day for Voting

Republicans represent the photo ID laws as necessary to curtail voter fraud; opponents to the ID laws counter that voter fraud is rare and that the new requirements will discourage some traditionally Democratic voting blocks—African Americans, the young, and people with no money—from braving the traffic to the voting station.

Recent legislation in California, however, has taken an opposite tack—the state is moving to pass same-day registration for voters. Perhaps the idea is to film the zombie voter invasion to turn it into a summer blockbuster? Hard to say.

But survival is the goal here, so let’s get down on to how to navigate this mess.

The Numbers

First, for all intents and purposes, the current tally of dead on the rolls actually sounds manageable in terms of a zombie apocalypse. If the math is right, the engaged citizenry has great odds of not encountering an electoral corpse; so let’s all take a breath.

Even though the numbers suggest no real zombie voting horror is imminent, don’t get complacent: There are always aliens and lightening to worry about.

Courtesy of The Week’s breakdown of the zombie voter statistics, 1.8 million zombies are currently judged to be on American voter rolls. It’s not that bad. The latest numbers say somewhere around 155 million voters are registered in the U.S. That means only slightly more than 1 in 100 people on their way to vote will be forced to kill a staggering human corpse that’s blindly seeking to consume living flesh.

Unless the dead registered voters collect in certain areas—like South Carolina, which had reports of 953 zombies in recent elections alone—you’ll probably be fine. Otherwise, warm up those hamstrings before you head to the booth.

Even though the numbers suggest no real zombie voting horror is imminent, don’t get complacent: There are always aliens and lightening to worry about.

This report by Mother Jones says you’re statistically more likely to encounter an alien than you will a flesh-seeking corpse. And a report by Rolling Stone says the Brennan Center for Justice claims you are more likely to be hit by lightning than encounter a zombie. So you know what that means: No metal helmets.

What To Do

Along with the slate of new voter laws purportedly aimed at combating zombies, a group called True the Vote is mobilizing citizens to work as election monitors all over the place. Of course, some folks, such as the reasoned skeptics at Colorlines, see poll monitors as something beyond a strictly zombie-killing operation. Colorlines traces True the Vote’s allegiances to exclusively Tea Party and hard-line conservative partnerships and affiliations.

Colorlines also has some things to say about measures to supposedly curb zombie voting practices. The site believes voter ID laws are unconstitutional, disproportionately effect voters of color and curb the votes of a growing Latino population.

Where Is the Government?

Right? Zombies show up; a military presence is expected. Where is the leadership and the National Guard? Be cool, everyone, Washington is on it. They’ve got they’re own tactic: Subterfuge.

See, the government isn’t convinced all voter ID laws will target only zombies; so they’re playing the spoiler: Challenging some of these laws in court.

In fact, three federal judges recently pushed back on South Carolina’s law, and a federal court in Washington, D.C., struck down a voter ID law from Texas.

Living dead alarmists might argue that federal resistance to ID laws is a ruse—lure the zombies to the polls and eradicate them with fire. Should work, right?

If not, just remember everything you’ve learned from the movies: Seek shelter, try not to get cornered and vote as fast as you can…

Are you worried more about voter fraud or the watcher looking out for voter fraud? Justify your fears in COMMENTS.

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