As if shutting yourself up in a commercial airliner wasn't enough of a despair trigger already—what with the expected chaos of impromptu, interminable waiting queues caused by regularly canceled and delayed flights, the progressive erosion of common courtesy among passengers with each subsequent delay, the technological and digital (as in finger) probing inflicted by Transportation and Safety Administration specialists, the palpable career regret expressed in every gesture and word from harried and abused flight crews, and the germ-laden, recirculated air refreshed with each new sneeze or hack from fellow passengers who are only hanging onto life long enough to reach home and their deathbeds—the United States government has revealed a piece of intelligence that may cause travelers to surrender all hope of a bon voyage.
America’s guardians have learned that some terrorists are exploring the possibility of surgically implanting bombs into humans, then sending those humans off to blow up on the Great Satan’s crowded jumbo jets.
Despite having no intelligence of a specific plot, the Associated Press reports, a U.S. security official has revealed that domestic and international airlines have been warned of “new intelligence pointing to a fresh interest in using [the bionic suicide bomber] tactic.”
How will the heavily burdened TSA screen for internal explosives? Requiring 95-year-old women to remove their adult diapers will no longer be enough. Perhaps a simple exploratory biopsy is sufficient to determine if a cache of powerful explosives has been sewn into the cavities of a potential passenger, but do not rule out more extensive surgery.
To be fair, TSA spokesman Nick Kimbal has articulated a plan. Noting that passengers traveling to the U.S. from overseas may endure extra scrutiny, Kimbal said:
"These measures are designed to be unpredictable, so passengers should not expect to see the same activity at every international airport. Measures may include interaction with passengers, in addition to the use of other screening methods such as pat-downs and the use of enhanced tools and technologies."
The message of America’s security agencies is unmistakable: Now more than ever is a good time to stay home. Take a walk in the neighborhood; bicycle to local outdoor and commercial attractions. If you must, drive the car to a reasonably distant point of interest.
Just beware of (and be sure to report) any fellow bike-path peddlers or rest-stop stretchers whose distended abdomens are crisscrossed by recent scar tissue.