Unless you’ve been frozen in cryostasis since 1994, you know somebody somewhere who has played Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Our weekly feature, 'Distant Cousins: How X Is Related to Y', is Six Degrees...with a TakePart twist. Our game bridges the divide between literally anything of debatable merit you can think of—could be Charlie Sheen, could be plutonium—and something (or someone) unequivocally good.
1) Today the United States of Too Many National Days of Utter Insignificance celebrates National Fried Chicken Day. In a related story, emergency rooms across the heartland are reporting an uptick in the number of cases of drumstick-clutching dipsticks complaining of shortness of breath, elevated blood pressure, and greasy fingers.
2) Perhaps no other entity has done more to popularize the consumption of fried poultry body parts than Kentucky Fried Chicken, the finger-lickin’ good fast food franchise founded by that grandpa dude with the white beard who also opened Jurassic Park in 1993.
[Editor’s Correction: Colonel Harland Sanders, and not Sir Richard Attenborough, the British actor who portrayed John Hammond in the 1993 film Jurassic Park, founded KFC. Moreover, Jurassic Park is a make-believe theme park in a fictional universe. Also, real dinosaurs died out 65 million years ago.]
[Author’s Response to Editor’s Correction: And I suppose we’re to also believe that JFK wasn’t assassinated by mobbed-up Cuban-born extraterrestrials that escaped from Roswell? Dinosaurs are real and they’re living on a tropical island off the coast of Costa Rica. You know how I know this? Because Steven Spielberg said so.]
3) Over the years, KFC has run afowl of animal rights groups, which claim that the company's suppliers abuse the poultry by cramming the birds into waste-filled death factories, overfeeding them to grow so obese that they can't even walk. In 2003, the world’s most top-heavy vegetarian, Pamela Anderson, sent a scathing letter to KFC, accusing it of widespread, systemic chicken torture. Two years later teenage boys were tortured when the Baywatch alumnus’ much-hyped steamy pole-dancing number was…
4)…edited out of an Elton John NBC television special before it aired on primetime. For “services to music and charitable services,” Mr. Tiny Dancer was knighted in 1998 by…
5)…Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth. In late April, Lilibet had a front row seat in Westminster Abbey for the marriage of her grandson, Prince William, to Pippa Middleton’s older sister, Kate.
6) The royal couple’s U.S. visit begins Friday. The three day, Los Angeles-area stay is packed with boots-on-the-ground charity outings: A $4,000 plate meal and match at the Santa Barbara Polo & Racquet Club will benefit The Foundation of Prince William and Prince Harry; a job fair for U.S. vets and their families will involve the newlyweds chipping in to assemble 1,000 care packages for military children; and a visit to the epicenter of American homelessness, downtown L.A.’s skid row, will be followed by the couple painting, making pottery, and dancing with children at the Inner-City Arts school.