A man named Jimmy McMillan was elected President of the Internet Tuesday after video surfaced of his spirited performance at the New York state governor debates. Mr. McMillan—a self-proclaimed karate expert with a predilection for weird beards and wearing gloves indoors—has organized his political principals around the Rent Is Too Damn High platform, which was predictably celebrated for irony's sake, then dismissed as the kind of lunatic fringe politics that liven up an election, but should not be taken seriously.
Well, TakePart believes that Mr. McMillan was making a certain kind of sense with his bold views on the housing crisis (our rent, after all, IS too damn high) and his progressive ideas about marriage (he's even an ardent supporter of weddings between humans and shoes). To illustrate his platform's soundness, we've complied a list of statements from "mainstream" politicians who make Mr. McMillan seem not only sane, but sort of a genius, by comparison.
10. Rep. Joe Barton (R-TX), head of the "Apologizing to Big Oil For Our Getting Mad at Them About Ruining the Ocean" Party (to BP CEO Tony Hayward during a congressional hearing following the spill in the Gulf)
''I'm ashamed of what happened in the White House yesterday. I think it is a tragedy in the first proportion that a private corporation can be subjected to what I would characterize as a shakedown—in this case a $20 billion shakedown ... I'm only speaking for myself. I'm not speaking for anyone else, but I apologize.''
9. Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN), of the "Stop Worrying So Much, Pollution is Fine" Party:
''Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn't even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.''
8. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, of the "Sex Orgies Solve Everything" Party:
''I even accept for the sake of argument that sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged.''
7. Ex-Congressman Eric Massa (D-NY), Chairman of the "Relax With the Persecution of Man-Ticklers" Party:
''Now, they're saying I groped a male staffer. Yes, I did. Not only did I grope him, I tickled him until he couldn't breathe and four guys jumped on top of me. It was my 50th birthday.''
6. Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele, of the "One-Armed Midgets Are Being Politically Ignored" Party:
''We need to uptick our image with everyone, including one-armed midgets.''
5. Rep. Paul Broun (R- GA), of the "Slavery Was Right and the South Will Rise Again" Party:
''If ObamaCare passes, that free insurance card that's in people's pockets is gonna be as worthless as a Confederate dollar after the war between the states—the Great War of Yankee Aggression.''
4. South Carolina Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer, of the "These Poor People Are Animals" Party:
''My grandmother was not a highly educated woman, but she told me as a small child to quit feeding stray animals. You know why? Because they breed. You're facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don't think too much further than that. And so what you've got to do is you've got to curtail that type of behavior. They don't know any better.''
3. Glenn Beck (highly-rated FOX News host), of the "Enough Already, 9/11 Victims" Party:
''When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I'm just like, 'Oh, shut up.' I'm so sick of them because they're always complaining.''
2. Former Governor of Alaska and Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin, of the "Russia Will Probably Invade America Through Alaska" Party:
''As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where— where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border.''
1. Rep. Louis Gohmert (R-TX), of the "Homosexuality Is the Same as Pedophilia, Necrophilia, and Bestiality" Party:
''If you're oriented toward animals, bestiality, then, you know, that's not something that can be used, held against you or any bias be held against you for that. Which means you'd have to strike any laws against bestiality, if you're oriented toward corpses, toward children, you know, there are all kinds of perversions ... pedophiles or necrophiliacs or what most would say is perverse sexual orientations.''
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